I’m energized from my long break (yes, I know it has been a long while, more than long enough to “outstay” my welcome).

Now playing: Adele’s album 21. Songs that are on replay: Rollin’ in the Deep and Someone like You.

Now reading: Daniel Kahneman’s The Marvels and Flaws of Intuitive Thinking – part of Edge Master Class 2011 (which reads like the who’s who’s list of cognitive psychology). A worthwhile read for anyone interested in how the mind thinks. The transcript is surprisingly accessible with little to no jargon.

Ben’s question of “so what did you learn about yourself from your time away?” struck me. Indeed what did I gain? Aside from the fact that I’m enamored by Rumeli Fortess and ancient architecture and the colors and textures of the Grand Bazaar and Eminönü, have I gotten any new realizations?

I have a distaste for arrogance and superiority complexes. Marriage doesn’t change anything about the person you are with; only that you have to put up with it all the time. I will appreciate someone who will offer to do the housework (it is the offering that matters). I like to take it easy – I have a very chill mentality. I like to savor the moment.

Some people have to rush to places. When they travel, they will want to see all the sights. They have an itinerary that they want to fulfill and places to visit on their checklist. I like to wander, I like to walk and look around. I like to stop and smell the breeze, sit and feel. After a climb, I want to stay there and enjoy the scenery before.

I have to stop proving myself to others. I don’t need to prove that I can do something, I need to do things because it is something that I want to do, it is something that gratifies me.

On another note, an important news: I’m moving. Well, actually it is my entire family. Goodbye old house and hello new apartment. I will miss this old house for the pure fact that there is so much space and opportunity to mess around and get my hands dirty. I can paint, drill, hammer my heart away and no one will complain (well, not much). I guess most of my transitioning-to-adulthood years are spent here. There will always be a pleasant nostalgia associated to here. However, I can’t wait to move as well. There is so much opportunity to start afresh, new grounds for creativity to take root. I’m so excited.

NOTE: I’m offloading my interior design obsession along with ideas I have about our new digs at a new blog: The KooHouse

No. I decided not to text back. And I hope I can hold my impulsivity enough to carry out that much at least.

Metacognition, metafiction, metareference. These are words that I’ve read, researched, wrote about. Somehow I like the thinking about thinking. Does it amaze you that you can be aware of what, how, why you are thinking? That each thought goes through your mind and you can track it down? Are neurons sending neurons after neurons? Where does it begin and end? How does it not become an endless feedback loop? Have you ever thought of thinking until the point of stupor, whereby your brain becomes paralysed by all your thoughts?

Evidently, I’ve been thinking too much. What strikes me is the self-awareness? How did humans become self-aware? How is it that some people are more self-aware (perhaps self-conscious) than others? Does it make it different that someone thinks back on some little thing s/he said and go “oh gosh, I shouldn’t have put it that way. That may actually sound hurtful” while another continues on his/her merry way without such a thought? And how will we have known who has reflected and who has not?

The thing about self-awareness that it is all in your mind. Thinking about thinking is a process that no one can see. What you see of yourself is something that only you alone are privy to. What a great relief but also a great burden!

Precisely because it is all in your mind, it is so confusing. Thus, I will try (not resolve, because some things are best kept in my mind) to write things out than letting them circle and tragically start chasing each other.

But as we look at the road not taken, it actually doesn’t matter.

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

~ Robert Frost ‘The Road Not Taken’

Read it carefully and you will realise that it makes no difference at all. (at least that is what I tell myself)

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I cooked pasta at 2am so that my sisters can bring a bento for lunchbox day o_O

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Amazing how well, we see though the underlying thoughts of each other. Not to forget the amazing insight: “I knew it! He is a CREEP!” No beating around the bush either. Our relationship is characterised by a lot of making fun of each other (usually good-natured but sometimes I admit that it can be quite a confidence-shaker). But the thing is we get each other. They get the subtext and the train of thoughts that lead to the outburst of why are guys so irritating.

We fight. We dare to fight which is quite remarkable considering the deep-seating conflict-avoidant nature of yours truly. There’s no need to censure all the dumb thoughts or maintain a considerate image. They totally get my random comments or have no pause in calling out my nonsense. And that we are all FOS (full of shit).

Perhaps, it is the fact that we are family, and there is no getting away from it. No, break-ups or betrayals. Sometimes, they are just what I need in a slump.

I had stopped dreaming. I did what I had to do: tasks to complete, experiments to conduct, due dates to meet. Amidst all the drama, learning to deal with complicated people relations, running the rat-race, I had unknowingly stopped dreaming. I had given up on love with yet another heartbreak. I grew weary and wary of people with “friends’ turning nasty.

Yet it didn’t mean that I didn’t admire dreams, I had just stopped having dreams as life went on. I followed blogs of others who followed their dreams, collected inspiring pictures. I went along with the trending fascination with photography, vintage, indie. I even joined jewellery design class but it was more to get away from the messy people relations and find a focus for my time and energy. Little wonder, my teacher’s comment was that my technique cannot be faulted but I lacked exploration. “Lacked exploration”. It sounded a dooms knell in my mind. I felt crushed and now, that I think of it, it was as if somewhere along the line, a flicker of hope and dream had emerged and those words are dooming the flickering to extinguish.

Where was the turning point? Where was the point when I stopped internalising other’s dreams but having my own dream, foggy and indistinct as it is? Going away from the daily grind and seeing a brighter place? Finding that delicious feeling of affection? Seeing someone else achieve something? Feeling the dreariness drawing to a close? Reaching a crossroad in the path of life?

I realise that the dreariness about work stems from that faint feeling of hope and dream. There are possibilities that await me. So close! Yet I am still bound for a while more. Just a while more!

How impatient I am. Now that I have found the reason for my glum, I resolve to present a cheerier face to my colleagues and make the best of the last bit more.

Just a month more till the end of contract and I can’t wait. It has been such a drag lately, putting effort into something that I have no ownership over and of which, the owner doesn’t seem to care much. It just feels redundant. Oh well, it too will end. All the 3 hours a day spent travelling will end too. 3 hours everyday for 5 years is just about 5-6 months of my life spent snoozing or staring blankly at other commuters. Did you know that the number one source of unhappiness for a worker is the commute? It is definitely true for me. I am so conditioned that I will end up snoozing after 15 mins in any moving vehicle. Not so good for road trips with buddies, though.

Now that the momentum is coming to a close, I stare at the settling dust and wonder where to go from here.

Talking to girlfriends made me realise how easy it is to be caught in the rat-race. The inertia stops you from looking elsewhere, the pay fools you into thinking that it is worth it, the enclosed environment makes overtime and workaholism a norm. I had only dipped my toes into working culture – academia has indeed shielded me from the worst of corporate work even though it has its own workaholic excesses. Do I really want to work in a culture where I have to bring home work in the evening and over the weekend?

Upon discussion, it seems that I have the best chance of escaping this rat-trap. I am being released from a contract. I have some inclinations into another field. I can make the most of it and jump ship. Yet I am afraid. Practical concerns says that I have too little funds to set up my cafe/shop. I have no experience in either. Prudence turns into fears and concerns turn into looming monsters. I will fail….

Yet even so, what if I fail? What is the worst that can happen? Can I make myself stomach that fear and my own inertia and sloth to make it an attempt?

There is still a month till all the dust has settled. Hopefully, my vision will be clearer then.

However, have i really put in all my best? I’ve been so drained by work that I haven’t put in my best efforts. I’ve let the monotony suck away my soul. I’ve become afraid, using work as my defense, my self-handicapping. I’ve put inspiration on a pedestal. I need to work for beauty. I need to keep making imperfect, ugly things before I can make something beautiful. I should be brave and learn to fail and keep failing.

The exhilaration, suspense and imagination!

It has been a long time since reading captured my heart, mind and soul

A mockingjay.

will everything fall apart? or will no one notice? will anyone feel it?