After struggling with my low mood and irritation, I’ve come to realise something. I’ve been complaining about work, even though I have near nothing to do (which is seem to be the ideal for all my poor overworked friends. Sorry guys, I’m not trying to rub salt into your wounds.) My days are filled with dread and I feel like I’ve accomplished nothing. I drag my feet over simple tasks. I’ve a perpetual gloomy look and am no longer as upbeat as before. In fact, one of my co-workers have commented that I look even more worn-out than before my holiday. I was frazzled then, rushing to complete as much as possible before going away, but I left my heart there when I returned and work went on smoothly with or without me.
I had stopped dreaming. I did what I had to do: tasks to complete, experiments to conduct, due dates to meet. Amidst all the drama, learning to deal with complicated people relations, running the rat-race, I had unknowingly stopped dreaming. I had given up on love with yet another heartbreak. I grew weary and wary of people with “friends’ turning nasty.
Yet it didn’t mean that I didn’t admire dreams, I had just stopped having dreams as life went on. I followed blogs of others who followed their dreams, collected inspiring pictures. I went along with the trending fascination with photography, vintage, indie. I even joined jewellery design class but it was more to get away from the messy people relations and find a focus for my time and energy. Little wonder, my teacher’s comment was that my technique cannot be faulted but I lacked exploration. “Lacked exploration”. It sounded a dooms knell in my mind. I felt crushed and now, that I think of it, it was as if somewhere along the line, a flicker of hope and dream had emerged and those words are dooming the flickering to extinguish.
Where was the turning point? Where was the point when I stopped internalising other’s dreams but having my own dream, foggy and indistinct as it is? Going away from the daily grind and seeing a brighter place? Finding that delicious feeling of affection? Seeing someone else achieve something? Feeling the dreariness drawing to a close? Reaching a crossroad in the path of life?
I realise that the dreariness about work stems from that faint feeling of hope and dream. There are possibilities that await me. So close! Yet I am still bound for a while more. Just a while more!
How impatient I am. Now that I have found the reason for my glum, I resolve to present a cheerier face to my colleagues and make the best of the last bit more.
