not really emo-ing but still rather questioning October 23, 2009

disclaimer: it sounds emo.. but im not really feeling emo if that helps allay any concerns, assuming that there will be people concerned

*

sometimes happiness feels so illusory that even when you have it, you start to doubt it.

do you wonder if the past happiness was real? It was real, undeniably real. and it was beautiful and still is to me.

sometimes, being happy makes me feel guilty, that i shouldn’t be that way. that it is at the expense of someone else’s happiness.

sometimes i feel so wrapped up in my own little world. i don’t want to hurt people, especially the ones who are still important, but sometimes i feel that i do so in my own egocentricism.

~

sometimes i don’t know why people love me cos i end up hurting them all. but the converse can be said to be true as well: i don’t know why i still love someone even when said someone hurts me as well.

but sometimes, it is like a experimental drug, you know that it may not end well (and mostly likely will not), that there are side effects, but still you take it. when one dose is ended/stopped/suspended or just proven plain ineffective, you still search and try for another. i’m AK and i’m a druggie (to a fool’s mission, to impulse, to irrationality, to love, to companionship, to soulmates, to finding a place of belonging, …)

~
~

sometimes, karma comes back to bite you. things you did used against you. (i think i accumulated quite a bit of bad karma *worried*)

bad karma: when someone who doesn’t like you but is important to someone important to you is dating someone who you used to hang out with in the kinda like you way but nothing really came out of it though there were hints and dislikes you more because of what that person you used to hang out with said about you.

- if this seems confusing, it is meant to be; if you get it, then yes, that’s why i’m cold-shouldering x cos i thought x was a friend but friends don’t say this sort of things about each other (i had thought better of x and am disappointed) and anyway x has been cold shouldering me as well.